And I’ll Remember the Way That You Changed Me

It’s funny how a song can tell your story. And it happened to me today. Sharing this to you is making me feel so vulnerable. But, that’s the point, right?

Today I randomly listened to Madonna’s “I’ll Remember”. And boy, it was like a blast from the past. The whole song, describes my whole journey of 2015. I realized I have met a particular person and a group of people who changed my life… for the better!

“Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that”

The beginning of the year, I was so determined to do a ‘soul searching’ journey that I left my hometown for New York, not knowing what to do, or much of anyone. I was trying to search for the truth about life everyone been talking about. It was clear when I left home, I told myself ‘there’s something out there I need to see and experienced’. Not knowing what I wanted to search is within my soul the whole time. It was ME I was looking for. It was me, without my thoughts, my judgement, my old way of thinking, my old stories and limiting self believe I used to tell myself.

On top of that, I was the ice queen who didn’t know how to authentically feel. To cry, specifically. And then I met my mirror. A person with almost the same personality, but wrapped in a man’s body. A vulnerable man I never thought I would see. His vulnerability broke down my walls, one step at a time. Telling me that to cry and be honest with my feelings doesn’t mean I am weak, it is actually strong. And the first time tears fell down in front of his eyes, it felt like somebody burnt me from the inside. It was painful, awkward, it was everything I didn’t like and wished to not happened, but it was growth. Growth is never a walk in the park. Like a goldsmith who burnt the gold to make it pure. I was torn from the old me to the new.

“Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing”

The growth was and still is, something that I expect from myself every day. But continuing from the first break through as my wall was kicked down, and that moment I was lying bare, I started to see the child in me.  The innocent child that has let life happened to her. Who created a lot of stories in order not to get hurt in the future. The child who had no clue how to mend her broken wing, but to hide behind the identity. But I did want to be free. And so…

“I learned to let go of the illusion that we can possess
I learned to let go, I travel in stillness
And I’ll remember happiness” 

As that child created all the stories to protect herself from harm of the world, the worries and the stress and the depressions settled in. Then I am told that the stories are just illusions. Something I held on tight for so long it became my truth, but the truth is I can change that truth to a better truth. A reality. A new reality, a new story, a new spirit and a new believe system. By letting go the old stories and replacing them with self-love and self-worth. Knowing my value. I finally found my true self, the one between the thoughts. Stillness.

“No I’ve never been afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason why”

In a coffee shop, the corner of Brooklyn, 3 months later,  we sat on the brown velvet couch, and the rain outside was pouring hard. While sipping on my hot latte, he told me a story that really moves my heart. He was so open I can feel his happiness in my heart. And I felt my eyes were watering. He stopped and asked..

“What happened?”
“Oh I’m happy for you!”
“….And… you cry?”
“It just happened, it warms my heart and it happened, I can’t stop it!”
“Don’t! Can’t you see that’s what makes you beautiful? You’re true to yourself!” He said it with a very loving smile, and a pair of a very loving eyes.

And in my today’s relationships, I have made a pact to stay true to my feelings, to myself, and be authentic. If that means I have to cry once in a while, then I will. Whoever holds a space to accept me the way I am, deserves me, and whoever doesn’t, doesn’t. No more mask to hide behind.

And to this story, the perfect closing is the best part of the song..

“And I’ll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I’m standing on my own
I’ll remember the way that you changed me
I’ll remember “

To a person whom held a space for me to be the real me, cracked me open, and fed me with love, now that I know I am enough, content and complete, and I am on my own two feet, my love and gratitude for you. May you will forever be blessed wherever you are, whatever you do. I will remember, that September days in Columbus Circle, where the wind blows and the leafs were fallen, it was almost fall,  the beginning of everything.

I’ll Remember – Madonna – If you wanna listen to it 🙂

Cheryl Marella

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